Weekend getaways are a great way to get perspective on life. Especially when I am able to think my thoughts for a change. I love being a mom, but breaking away from my everyday routine to re-evaluate my priorities, motives, and parenting strategies never fails to be therapeutic.
Not long ago, as Michael and I strolled the sidewalks of Fredericksburg’s Main Street on a three night getaway, I found myself missing my kiddos.
This is common for me on trips. I get to rest, clear my mind, and really miss the company of my kids.
There is something about the day to day that makes me sometimes forget how sweet my little girl’s smile is and how her voice melts my heart. I don’t notice my son becoming more of a problem solver and less of a complainer. I breeze passed all the new things my kids are doing and treat them as commonplace. Many times without a second thought.
Is it just me? Surely not. And yet here I am. For the record I want you to know that being real with you is the only way I see this author/reader relationship ever having a chance to thrive. So here it goes…
As Michael and I walked hand in hand down the street a question popped into my mind: Am I taking my kids for granted?
A little shocked at first, I tried to justify myself…to myself. Look I’m a good mom. I take my kids to school and pick them up almost every single day. I make their lunches and help with their homework, read to them, pray with them. Tell them I love them….but the question remained: am I taking my kids for granted?
Listen, the last thing we need is more mom shaming in the world. That is NOT what this post is about. I am not judging anyone or pointing fingers, and I am well aware that there are no perfect parents.
I am sharing what I have recently walked through and I have a feeling it will resonate with you too, because we all want to be better parents. We all want to connect with our kids and know them, to give them our best. We all know that parenting is a journey and there is no set formula that works for every parent and every child.
The problem lies in how we journey on the day to day. Those little habits we don’t realize we make, yeah our kids see those.
Listen, I have lost a child. I know that searing loss, and I know the deep sadness and painful realities that come with leaving the hospital empty handed. So if this is resonating with you at all, know that you’re not alone. And you’re not a bad parent.
As parents we are wise to perform frequent pulse checks on our relationships with our kids. There is no cruise control on the parenting train, and the ride gets bumpy from time to time.
Nothing good comes from us being so consumed with other things that we take our kids for granted. The more in tune we are with our motives and attitudes towards our kids, the better parents we will make. Not perfect parents, just better.
Here are the questions I asked myself to know whether or not I am truly engaging with my kids and not taking them for granted:
Do I look at my phone/computer/tablet while they are talking to me?
This is a biggie for me. Sometimes I am super intentional with my kids. Other times I am glued to my phone like white on rice. It takes every ounce of energy I have to tear myself away sometimes, and I hate it but it’s true.
I am not saying our kids should own all of our time and attention. Not at all. In fact, as I am writing this my kids are asking what I think about the rotting flesh feature on Minecraft. It’s sick, that’s what I think. And stop telling me to look at the tv, I’m writing.
You get it, I know you do.
My point is, how often do I choose not to even give them the decency of making eye contact? How many times have I shown my kids that whatever is on my screen is more interesting, more important, more urgent, or more entertaining than them? What am I training my kids to do with their future children?
Ouch. That last one was just rude. True, but rude.
Do I brush off their questions and concerns?
I once heard someone say that if we don’t listen to our kids when they are little (however small and insignificant their problems seem to us), they won’t talk to us when they are bigger (and their problems are important and potentially life-altering). Has a truer statement been said? I don’t think so.
Our kids notice when their concerns and problems aren’t important to us. If you brush off their questions and concerns enough, they will learn that you don’t want to hear them. And then quietly, but surely, they will stop asking you.
Oh, they will still ask their questions, just to the worst possible people, namely their friends.
I cannot tell you how valuable our influence is in our children’s lives. They want it. Need it. Thrive under it. We have been given a responsibility/burden/privilege to teach and instruct our kids. It’s not someone else’s job to listen to them.
Do I find myself frequently annoyed with them and/or constantly wanting a break from them?
Have you ever been asked the same question four times in a matter of seconds despite the fact that you have answered appropriately every time? Does it make you want to hide in the closet and scream into a pillow? Well, welcome to parenthood!
There are certainly times when our kids get on our nerves. I can’t imagine a scenario where several people living in close contact with one another don’t get on each other’s nerves from time to time. I would say occasional annoyances are normal (but hey I’m not child development or family expert, so what do I know?!).
But that’s not really what I’m talking about.
What I’m asking is do your kids grate on your last nerve every time they ask a question? Answer wrong? Act their age? Fall apart? Ask something of you? Tell a corny joke? Get frustrated?
I’m afraid the answers to those questions tell us a lot more about ourselves than our kids. When we are chronically annoyed with our kids, we need to check that. It’s not okay to annoy someone incessantly, but it’s also not okay to be annoyed all the time. This attitude reeks of selfishness.
Our kids need us to laugh at their jokes (no matter how bad they are). They need us to tell them they are doing a great job. They need us to love them through frustration, and advocate for them. When they need help it is our responsibility to help them or find help for them. They need us to be present for them.
Do they prefer the company of others over mine?
Have your kids ever picked the company of a grandparent or friend over you? Like, emphatically jumped for joy at the thought of spending time with this person only to not-so-subtly let you know they feel stuck with you?
Isn’t it a great feeling? To know they lived inside you but would rather be with someone else.
I have found this to be a reflection of the kind of time I am spending with my kids. Like I mentioned earlier, if we are with them but on a device of some sort all the time, that’s not quality time. We are not engaging with our kids and letting them know we care about them.
The thing is, the way kids seek relationships is not all that different from the way adults do. We want to be around people who enjoy our company and with whom we have things in common. We want to spend our time with people who value what we have to say and encourage us and speak life to us.
Kids crave those things too. And they want it to come from us more than anything in the world.
Do I find myself constantly wishing for this season to pass?
“Well, once we get passed ______________…”
“If we can just get through _______________…”
“I can’t wait for _______________ to be over.”
Sound familiar? We have all done it. Sometimes when we walk through a particularly hard season whether it be sleep training, teething, potty training, bad attitudes that come in small packages, hormonal changes, or rebellion and discipline difficulties it’s easy to focus on what’s {hopefully} beyond where we are now.
Not that it’s bad to look ahead, but when we camp out there, we deprive ourselves (and our kids) of the benefit of being “all in” right now. When you find yourself focusing on future seasons, try to refocus on right now.
Seek wise counsel from someone you trust. Read a book or blog to help you learn how to handle the season you are in. Ask your spouse to help you more during this trial. Find out what your kids are going through right now. Find out what they are enjoying, struggling with, looking forward to, dreading. If you are a follower of Jesus, ask God to give you wisdom and endurance for this season.
Long Days, Short Years
There is an old saying about parenting that goes like this: The days are long, but the years are short. Every old lady I see in the grocery store swears by this saying. The days can blur together so much that we miss the fact that before we know it our kids will be grown. This season of our lives will eventually end and we will someday find ourselves stopping young mothers in the grocery store to tell them how fast it all goes by.
This short list is by no means exhaustive, but it gave me a lot of insight about the state of my heart. It helped me realign my priorities in order to better love, engage with, and parent my kids. I have learned that, in the end, there is always room for grace – for me and my kids.
And while there are certainly no perfect parents, I want to make the most of every season of my life, because I’m not interested in looking back with regret.
I suspect you aren’t either.
Have you ever struggled with anything on this list? How did you change your habits and refocus on your kids when you realized you were taking them for granted? How did your kids respond?
Great questions to ponder. I recently was away from three of my four kids and ran into a snag on the way home. My heart felt crushed when I realized I would be away from them one extra night. Yet, I know daily routines create an autopilot mode in me that I want to avoid. Thanks for the post!
It’s crazy how time away gives us a strong urge to get back to them. Thanks for sharing, Liz!