7 Ways to Encourage Grieving Moms

There aren’t many people who seem to understand how to encourage a grieving mom. Many people can’t imagine how losing a child changes your life. My first son, Weston, would have celebrated his 11th birthday on January 31st. I just can’t escape the feelings and memories that wash over me each January.

Unfortunately, I know I’m not alone in this journey of child loss. There are many women who have lost a child, and who see the world through a different lense because of it.

My hope is that each of them is surrounded by people who love and support them. People who will encourage them and lift them up as they grieve. However, I know this isn’t always the case. A lot of women grieve alone, either because they don’t have anyone to share their grief with or because no one knows how to respond to them. It’s a miserable place to be, really.

I want to share 7 ways you can encourage a grieving mom. This list is by no means exhaustive, but it includes ideas that were life giving and helpful to me when I walked through the deep grief of child loss eleven years ago.

1. Make yourself available

Grieving the loss of a child can be very isolating. You feel like your world has stopped, but everyone else’s carries on unchanged. It is such a lonely place to find yourself especially when you’re looking at “normal” in the rearview mirror. What deepens your misery is that many people don’t know what to say to you so they avoid you altogether. Awesome. Now you feel like an outcast.

I would encourage you, friend and/or loved one, to make yourself available. Invite your grieving friend to lunch or coffee. Offer to stop by her house for a while. Try to spend time with her however she is most comfortable.

Your efforts to invest in her will mean more than you know.

2. Speak Truth to her

As a Christian I believe that God’s Word is true. It says in Psalm 139 that he knows the number of our days before we are ever born. Because of what the Bible says about life and God’s character I don’t believe that anything about Weston’s life was a mistake. It was all ordained from before time began and I totally trust in God’s sovereignty over his life, and mine.

My personal favorite verse during my time of grief was Deuteronomy 29:29. It says, “the secret things belong to the Lord our God…” This means that we know whatever God chooses to reveal to us, but he is not obligated to disclose the fullness of his plan. Ever. In his wisdom God does not always give us understanding as to why certain things happen.

We are called to trust him and continue to walk in obedience to His Word. That doesn’t mean that we won’t hurt and grieve. It means that there is Someone who can handle our grief because he knows the situation better than we could ever imagine.

Speaking truth in love to someone who is hurting can be incredibly life giving. I would encourage you to seek scripture that you can share. No, it won’t make her grief go away, but it will point her back to our Source of peace and comfort that sustains us in the most miserable of life seasons.

Examples of words that are not life giving

As a side note, I think it’s important to identify some discouraging things people say. I can’t tell you how many well meaning people said hurtful things to me and didn’t even know it. Here is a short list of things that are truly depressing to hear when you are hurting. Don’t say these things:

1. You’ll probably never get over this.
2. Losing a child is something you’ll struggle with for the rest of your life.
3. You’re young, you’ll have more kids.
4. I guess his life just wasn’t meant to be.
5. You need to move on.

If anything from this list is what comes to mind when talking with a grieving mom, you would be better off saying nothing. Just tell her you love her, pray with her, and move on. Don’t be that person who sows seeds of discouragement.

3. Make her dinner

Loss is exhausting mentally, emotionally, and physically (especially if you lose a child at birth). Cooking dinner is the last thing on your mind, but eating out – functioning in public – is possibly more exhausting.

For me, the thought of cooking was too overwhelming. I just couldn’t pull myself together to make a meal. Thankfully, someone at our church organized a meal train and people brought us dinner for six weeks after Weston’s funeral! My mom and mother in law were kind enough to freeze all leftovers for us and I literally did not cook a meal until May of that year!

So take your friend dinner, and if you’re feeling extra generous take her enough to freeze some for later.

4. Send letters or emails of encouragement

As I mentioned before, grief is lonely place.

I had just graduated from college 6 weeks before my son died. I was in a totally new season of my life, and had nothing familiar to return to after his death.

I didn’t have a job because I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I was no longer in school so the routine I had known for 4 1/2 years was no longer my norm. There were days when I felt utterly alone due to the fact that I didn’t have a routine to go back to or anything on my schedule to look forward to.

Letters of encouragement were a huge source of comfort for me in the weeks and months after Weston’s death. They reminded me that I wasn’t forgotten and that people were thinking about me and praying for me. The words spoken over me were life giving and helpful.

And on my hardest days I could open my box of cards and be instantly reminded of the community of people that surrounded me and know that God was faithful in my grief.

5. Don’t be offended if she doesn’t answer the phone or text back

This one was a struggle for me for years after Weston died. I got into the habit of occasionally screening phone calls – not because I couldn’t talk, but because I just didn’t want to talk.

Part of the reason was that for a long time I didn’t have anything new to say. I was still hurting, still mourning my loss. I was a pitiful friend/daughter/sister and I even felt guilty for being sad all the time.

The worst thing about this is that it became a habit for me. It was one aspect of my life I could control and although I didn’t consciously decide to screen phone calls it did indeed become a bad habit I struggled for years to break.

Know that as a friend or family member reaching out to a grieving mother, if she screens your calls it has everything to do with her and so little to do with you. Be patient. She is figuring out what normal even looks like now.

Although texting wasn’t a mode of communication at that time I would encourage you to avoid asking too many questions. Checking in is good, but pelting her with question after question about how she is feeling, what her plans are, what is she going to do next week – all of that is really overwhelming. Keep communication simple, but genuine.

*Note*

If you are a grieving mom right now and you have isolated yourself completely from your friends and loved ones, this is NOT healthy behavior. I am not saying I never talked to anyone, just that I struggled to answer the phone sometimes. I also communicated daily with my husband and continued to have face-to-face interactions with friends and family on a regular basis.

You cannot shut everyone out. If you are shutting out the people in your life, I would strongly encourage you to seek help from a professional counselor or a pastor. You cannot do this alone. We are designed for community, especially during times of pain and grief.

Struggle well with any temptation to isolate yourself.

6. Ask about her child

Everyone likes to talk about their kids – their likes and dislikes, their personalities and how they’re growing. It’s one of the many joys of parenthood that is stripped away when your child dies. You wish someone cared enough to let you talk about him once in a while, but most people won’t ask for fear that they will upset you or that the conversation will sour.

Even if it’s awkward for you in the moment, ask your friend about her child. Give her the opportunity to decide if she’s ready to talk about him/her. Don’t assume it will upset her, because chances are it will be more upsetting for her if no one ever asks. I deeply enjoy it when someone asks me about Weston, because I get to talk about him – things I knew about him, things I miss, and how I imagine my life would be if he were here.

7. Include her

There is really nothing like being excluded from a party someone is throwing only to hear after the fact that you weren’t invited because everyone thought you might not want to come. Well, wouldn’t it be nice if you were able to make that decision for yourself?

I have experienced this particular kind of exclusion, and let me tell you it stings. It made me wonder if my friends were really friends at all. “Do they even know me?” “Do they think I am incapable of making this decision for myself?” “Or did they just not want me there?”

Don’t put your grieving friend in that position. Her life has changed but she is still your friend. Give her the opportunity to accept or reject any invitation. Even if she declines she will know that she’s loved and that her company is desired.

 

Grieving the loss of a child is hard no matter the circumstances, but you can love, support, and encourage in many ways that will bless your friend or family member. Remember that grief doesn’t have to last forever because God is the healer of hearts.

What are some ways you have found to serve and minister to others around you who are hurting?

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